Life Number Two

John Palmer--You were my first kiss--8th. grade, Spring Forest Jr. High. You aroused me on that choir trip to Waco,TX so much I thought I was having my period! In high school you seemed like a doper, but I always wondered what else in your life was going on? I hope you are well. I pray for you.

Jackie McAnally--You tried to help. You gave me a lesson I'll never forget or forgive you for. But, you were always true to yourself. You said that twenty years later we'd be having coffee and laugh about all this. That will never happen, not the coffee or the laughing, ever.

Randy Farnsworth--You hit me with your baseball bat in second grade during a piñata Christmas party. Many years later, I found you online and we laughed about it. I was so in love with you back then. I hope your life is good, your daughter(s)? beautiful and life fulfilling. You were one of the people all through school (2nd grade to graduation) that never treated me like I was scum. When we graduated, I tried to clap the loudest for you. Thank you for being just the way you are.

Lloyd Brown--what can I say? I was a jerk. I used you. I used you. I used you. I was high maintenance, immature and will never forgive myself for slapping you in the face. And for everything else. Lots of everything else. I set you up for it, too. I was a bitch. I can't take it back, but it is something I can't really forgive me for, either. I probably ruined your life. You were good to me. Staying out of your life is my gift to you but it will never erase the wounds. I'm sorry. Live well.

Tim Young--one night stand. You were cute, though.

Jerome Young--you taught me about codependence and brought the lesson home with your unethical behavior. I can't say you were inappropriate because you TOLD me you were inappropriate. I tasted it of my own free will. That's a lesson I can never live down.

Sibak Lee Crocker--my Martial Arts instructor and my friend. Thank you for letting me practice Reiki and respiratory therapy on you when you had pneumonia. I wish you well and good life. I hope you find that perfect (and affordable) piece of land so you can teach kids about motors, cars, motorcycles. You have been a good teacher. I hope we were both teachers. Live well.

Scott Maehner--My Sci-Fi Mentor, friend, confidant and convention attendee. We gamed (RPG) for two years until I moved back to AZ, then we IM'd every Wednesday night. You cheered me up, gave me hope, let me understand what it was like to be you. You let me lift you up. Do you know how precious that is/was to me? Yes, you do. We understand each other perfectly. You will always be my very best friend... and here I'd given up ever having even one friend. I love you, Scott. Be well, be merry. Thank you. You've given me a gift no one has ever given me before--acceptance in all my "Terry-ness".

Claudia "Po"--role model, friend, lesbian. I trusted you, you wanted more, but you didn't want me. Just my body. Wow--revelation--THATs why I intentionally got fat. So people (like you and Moose) wouldn't want to hit on me all the time. You suck.

Moose--I thought you cared. I even went to your wedding to Peter. Bet you don't remember. Bet you don't remember befriending a 7th. grader at scout camp, then trying to sleep with her? I do. Even though you only tried to feel me off, you broke trust. As if I was raped. A family member tried it two years later. Guess what? I still thought of you and how you only used me. Just like people before and after. I didn't understand what was going on when I was younger, but you and your face would label my experiences after that. I take into account you might have been as immature as I was, even though I was 8-10 years younger than you. But you damaged me more than anyone since because I trusted you, thought you were my best friend. I learned what being used was from you. And here I thought at camp what we learned was how to start a one-match fire and survival skills for primitive living. You taught me, you did. I'll never forget. Can't. But I wonder? Do you ever think back and wonder what happened to me? I think about you often, and wish you well.

Edie McKee--you were my first love. At five years old, I thought you were my sister. I never understood why you never slept at our house. When you moved, it broke my heart. I've never fully recovered--and it seems so silly in retrospect. Don't know why. I've been depressed ever since. Seriously, and deeply depressed. It was like my sister had died and no one bothered to tell me, just let me figure it out for myself. Thanks for trying to keep up once we were adults. You tried. I just couldn't resolve my childhood loss with the adult Edie. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'll always love you.

Mike Mabry--At one time, I thought I loved you. Not like a lover, not like a brother, either. I thought friendship really meant something to you. Now we just use each other for references on a job ap. After all we've been though and worked though and sang though... I think I was just an ends to a means. And I'll never understand why you invited us over all the time when your wife really didn't want us over. That was just weird, Mike. Making music in Cortez, CO for their community concert series was a highlight of my life. Just wish I'd have been more important to you, and not just another talented second soprano.

George--You'll probably never read this, but practicing the violin and the trumpet with you after work is a memory that is so bitter-sweet because of your mental illness. You told me once that you were never quite sure if I was real or if you were delusional. You could have been a good friend. I hope you find the right medication so you can be happy again.
Steve Osborn--thanks for teaching me about computers, and building Beautiful 1.0 for/with me. And of course, for many other lessons. Abandonment was another.

Ken Cantwell--you were my brother-in-Christ. But you abandoned me when I needed someone to talk to about how my husband treated me. You and your family were only nice to me because you tolerated me. Wish that knowledge didn't suck for me so much. But it does. I thought you cared. I mean, we went to AstroWorld with your cousin, did Vacation Bible school and choir tours... I hope you are happy. But you hurt me. Twice. I learned what broken trust was through you.

Rick Browder--I heard from a thrid party that you didn't think I was a very nice "good" girl and that your family didn't approve of me. I never understood that. I didn't know they knew me? That statement wounded me and drove a wedge into our friendship. But maybe I was mistaken? I heard you were a doctor... I thought you were a nice guy, until then. So much for Christian friendships... you and Ken and the Tallowood bunch just turned your back on me. Ah, but then I forget, I'm not one of the Tallowood "families"... just a high school kid who rode her bike to church for years until I could drive... You taught me about church politics. At least I was prepared to be a pastor's wife. (Well, no, nothing could have prepared me for that.)

Kenny Johnson--Another homeroom regular... and another hazed and damaged person from high school. Looking back, I know I tormented you, too. Just like I had been. Only reason I can give is that I thought I'd feel better if I gave some back to SOME one. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve anything you got in high school...

Tom Lodge--another homeroom regualr... You seemed to find your niche with music. I'm so glad. You were a nice guy and always treated me nicely.

Dennis Detamore--I saw how they treated you, and I was just as guilty. I'm unable to go back and fix high school, but I wish I'd been more mature. I didn't know you very well, but I hope you were able to have a life after hazing. I'm sorry.

Tom Harrison--we spent YEARS in the same homerooms! I hope you are well.

Kathy Harris--Did you survive the high school holocaust? You got in high school what I got in Jr. High. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger. Between you, me, Kenny, Dennis and "Mary"... I hope we survived and that the scars no longer show. (Right, like torture is supposed to just go away...). Be well.

Mike Dannheim--after graduation you came and tried to sell me waterless cookware. I thought you wanted a date. Imagine how devastated I was to know you only wanted a sale?

Charlie Eggert--I was immature. You were a cool guy. I missed an opportunity of a lifetime by not being a better friend.

Jacque Dennis--little did I know when I met you for the first time in the back of the bus, that you lived only a few blocks away. When you ran away, your mom thought I had something to do with it. I was a butt at camp when we were counselors. sorry. But somehow you took it out on me, calling when you were drunk, accusing me of dissing you. I admired you. You and Lesli taught me about the internet. We grew up in scouts. Yet, you accused me of being rude. I was just being me. When I was in Houston and we watched ConAir, that was so fun. But the next year, you got all wierd when I visited. Your constant accusations of something I didn't do, say, or think finally drove me away. I loved you like a sister. And I liked playing your grand piano. Thank your mom for letting me. She scared me.

Lesli Williams--I really wasn't invited to the wedding, was I? And yet you put up with me when I flew back from Kansas to attend. Somehow I thought I was going to be your maid of honor. How stupid of me. We had some good times at Westchester and G.S. If you decide to sell your Conn 12-string, I'll buy it. Casa Mare and camp will never be the same without you and me and Jacque. I still remember your mom. She is still missed in my heart.

Rusty Russey--Man, you play piano like NO one I've ever heard. I learned some of my technique from you! I figured you were in the Tallowood crowd, and therefore, untouchable. But you were nice to me. When I ran into you in one of the malls in Austin, TX... you made it a point to say hi to me. All I said was something really stupid--I hope you forgave me. I'll take that dumb comment to my grave. Thank you for not looking down on me. I hope you fared this life well.

Weenie Under The Rock--(Jim McConnell). For some reason, to this day, my girlfiends didn't know what I saw in you and that was Lesli's name for you. But I saw a boy who was very into himself--in a good way. You were so you! Once I watched (I WAS boycrazy then, sorry), outside your house at night and wondered what it would feel like to have you (or anyone) pay so much attention to me as you did your homework or your friends or your interests. That focused attention was seductive and you taught me, though I'm sure/hope you didn't notice. Hope you are well.

Kevin Scace--I didn't realize until much later what kind of a man you'd be. Our dads worked with each other and I've known you for so long. My immaturity blinded me to what a nice guy you were/are. Wish I'd paid more attention to you in choir and been more of a friend. You deserved better.

Pat Gorman--Sneaking in the men's dorm... I didn't realize until much later how much of a ho that made me feel. I think you were my first red-neck lover. Notice it was only once? Yeah, me too.

Scott Berry--I was immature. Bummed you out, sorry. You didn't deserve that.

"My friend, Michelle"--I trusted you with my secrets and I found you couldn't be trusted. Thanks, though, for letting me camp out on the weekends in Phoenix while I got my Masters. Sorry I didn't play enough chess with you like I promised. That was the deal. I'd play chess, you'd let me stay over night while I was in school. You were nice to me. I think I screwed you over, though. Guess I thought it was pay-back for ruining my trust.

JoD Neme--I loved you like a sister. Shadow and I tried to find you. Your alcoholism hurt me. But I had to confront you.

Doug from Tallowood--I look back and think that I missed knowing a good friend because of my immaturity. I hope you are well.

Chris Lewis from Westchester Homeroom--you were always nice to me. No matter what, no matter when our other classmates made my life a living hell. For years we shared homeroom. I didn't know what a jewel you were. I hope you are well.

Steve Tapscott--Did you think you were better than everyone else? I wasn't good enough for you to even notice, was I?

Tony Malusky--we had some fun times! Jr. Acheivement was an adventure :) You gave me the time, when few did. You've experienced some of the hazing (a lot of the hazing). When I ran into you in Kingman, AZ (of all places) I still wasn't sure if I was hallucinating or not! I wasn't as kind as I could be, and I apologize. You were being you, the best you you could be. I was still growing up and still immature. I suck.

William Bill Dalheim--You always looked so lonely. I thought you'd understand my own loneliness.

Mike Yanachek--I dated you once in high school and you were living in Sealy, Tx. But being very immature, I blew it and showed up in a see-through shirt. That must have been uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I was stupid.

Don Arbuckle--You were a cool person and I miss you. I hope you are well.

Terry Harris--where are you? I'll always be infatuated with you!

Danny Thomas--I wish I'd been more mature in college. You were a good person.

Yodie Whitley--RIP

Kim Parker--RIP

Mr. Rogers--I miss you.

Brian Tochi--You always treated me with respect, even when I thought I knew what I was talking about, but later found out I didn't. Calling me after 9/11 was a highlight of my life.

Robin Aylor--HerbMan, you are one of the few I'll ever trust with my hurts.

Denny Lynch--Your collection inspires me. You've always been nice to me. Thank you.

Marty Milder--wish you'd let me get to know you. SWAMP will never be the same.

Peter Wisener--testing your inventions with the guns, that was a highlight of my life. Thank you.

Alan Leeland Harrison--I was SO infatuated with you. When your dad died and you moved to Hempsted, I grieved over your loss, and mine.

Peggy Keller--RIP

Chris Crow--Spring Forest Jr. High--you made my 7th. grade hell and I'll never forget when you goosed my twat, spat on me, tripped me, slammed my locker shut just as I opened it. Oh, the "goose"... that hurt for days. You suck.

David Hanson--I was so infatuated with you at Spring Forest Jr. High. Stalked you. Sorry.


Carol Watson--we were friends once. Until Nikki from England moved to Houston.

Nikki Roberts from Westchester--I'll never forget that you lived behind me, next to Don H. You were Carol's friend but you told me that you'd be my friend, but only when people weren't looking.

Don Hensley--You lived one street from me and punched me in the stomach. My only crime was idolizing you.

John Stone--kissed you once in the back of your van. Then I realized you only wanted sex. Did I ever tell you your breath smelled like coffee and cigarettes?

Guy I kissed from Cameron, TX

John Hall--you were nice to me and helped me through my last day/evening at MMHC/Bullhead

Chris Eland--I thought you cared. Too bad you felt obligated to try.

David Morales--we were penpals for awhile after meeting on the banks of the Brazos River at Stephen F. Austin State Park. At least, we WERE until I got all boy-crazy and my need for attention ruined what could have been a lasting friendship. I'm telling you--not having a family who is around and cares... really sucks.

Henry Olsen--my first sci fi mentor. You'll always be my first, Henry.

Bill Gober--scared I am/was. Too bad. Your gruffness kept me away and I so wanted to get to know you

James, aka Dr. Berdy--Silver City, New Mexico and Silver City Bullets and Beartraps

Melissa Ertman--sweetness and sci fi

Amy Gilespie--sweetness and anime

"Mady" Madeline in Buffalo, New York--Mady was my first Beta to get all the way through the Space Academy novel and help me correct and think through the book. Without you, Mady, I don't know if I'd every be able to publish the book. Thank you.

Jim Hoff--My Filmation buddy and website encourager. Thank you. You took me seriously. Be well.

Jim Small--You introduced me to Pat. Thank you.
P
at Hill--I trusted you, we planned the novel, then you dropped off the face of the earth. I hope you are well. I've worried about you. Suddenly, I'm as far away from you as you can keep me. I don't understand it, and I did nothing to deserve it, but I respect it. I'll publish it myself. Thanks for the cover art. Can't get you to respond, but since we planned this several years ago, I'm sure you figured I'd credit you anyway (which I will, of course). Thank you whatever it was that let you correspond all this time until you cut me off. Be well. Your blue prints are awesome, and I'll buy more when you've got them ready.

Andy Mangles--You let me work on the dvd project, a dream job! Thank you. I AM getting my tapes back, right?

Eric Greene--You let me interview you and then you shut me out. I heard from others that you were flaky, but didn't understand. I know you're busy and have your causes(s). You gave me time, I hope I was able to honor you with the interview. Thank you.

Bret Funk--You gave me my first start in publishing by letting me write for Illuminata. Published the anthology and let me add my Pyg's Perspective. I prayed for you when Hurricane Katrina wiped out your life, when new life came into the world for you and your wife and your life was rebuilt afterwards. You even let me proof-read your third novel. You had faith in my abilities, and even though we'll always disagree about where those commas are placed, you will always have my gratitude, and a Begnein (however you spell it) waiting with some chicory.

Randy Tonking--Along with Randy, you were one of the people I admired when we were kids at Rummell Creek Ele. I thought you were the most exotic, handsome (in kidspeak--" a hunk "). Never had the chance to get to know you, and years later Randy told me how he and his friends teased you. I had no idea. I thought you were cool. I hope you have a nice life. Just wanted you to know that even though it's been over 40 years, you are still remembered.

Gary Tully--I, and others, I'd imagine, wished you'd spent more time away from Pat... so you could date us. I wished you'd been more available. Why? Because you always seemed to be so attentive and nice. You were such a cute-y. I've wondered though, if you are as nice as you look? Be well.

Terry Moore--For years and years we were in the same homerooms... and then you were gone. No one knew what happened, where you were. I wanted you to know, that even though we never hardly spoke to each other, I hoped you were okay. Just wanted you to know.

Terry--the guy I dated and went to a few Westchester Wildcats games at Tully Stadium--I think you were a nice guy. I mean, you dated me! And we didn't go overboard with anything, a few kisses, that kind of stuff. You treated me well. Just wanted you to know.

Doug Hamer--I wanted to get to know you better. I enjoy your humor. Wish you'd come to the fold quicker (anime night).

David Leach aka Dr. Driver--Your packages from Japan are another highlight of my life. Thank you for choosing to stay with me when you visited the states. You are a nice person. And I miss Dr. Driver!

Chance--Practicing martial arts with you as a partner has been a good experience. You don't shy away from the punches and you share anime with me. While it's a small thing perhaps to you, it was like someone finally validated that I was not just a worthy opponent, but that I was okay as a human being, too. No small undertaking :) And, practicing Reiki together made me feel very special... and I think it was beneficial to Lee even though he disagreed.

Alex Arts--I looked up to you as a big brother until... whatever the "until" was. I followed you, observed and wanted to have the same relationship we'd started. Eating Easter Eggs in front of your house will always be a bittersweet memory for me. Your family's reject may have been warranted, but I still don’t' know what I did...

Doug from Kingman/Black Mountain--you kept me sane by sending me letters when we moved away. Thank you for those and your prayers. You are my brother in the Lord, and to that I say, "Hallelujah!".

Lance Barnes--it is because of you and the death of your daughter, that I pursued Kajukenbo Kenpo with Lee Crocker. I tried, I really tried to get to know you at Black Mountain. I tried and you ignored and ignored for almost six years. I wanted to understand you, your concerns, your heartaches. Why? Because you always seemed to have them, carry them on your shoulder way before your daughter died. You barely acknowledged my presence. I tried though. I can only try.