Costly Mistakes

I neglected to pay respect. It cost me mine. I will never be able to enter that door, experience and learn from that master and his students. My excitement shamed me. So honest, so child-like-so devastating.

Life Number Eight

Why is it that I can be so damned efficient and feel so stupid, so unloved, unsupported? I'm still in trauma mode. In my head, I know I need to give myself more grace, time to adjust, time to vent. But there is no one I trust to vent to.
Struggling to keep my head held high, inside, I am shriveled and small--pitiful, with selective tears escaping as failures march through my waking and dreaming world--unbidden, unrelenting. Who would guess the wounds? Who can see the bonds keeping me captive in this grief? Why is there no one to hear my screams? I am surrounded by humanity--supposed friends and lovers and family. I hear their voice... who hears mine?

Fading memories, growing grey.

I've decided I really am afraid of growing old. Lack of respect, things I used to excel at now suck... The thought of living old and showing the grey, gray is a dismal thought.

Life Number Six

Can't please everybody, but expected to try.
the husband wants me to get more time off work
the kid wants me at family week-but I can only
take just so much time off--because
i have to be at the other kid's wedding

and if there's time left

i'm taking a day off for my birthday

then the boss thinks i'm taking over a huge
project that requires nights and has scheduled
me "training"
something he didn't even have the decency to ASK
me about...

the person i thought was a friend no longer values my
friendship

i'm caught in the middle--boss and hubby planning something
for my time without giving shit what i already do

i'm just in the middle, trying to stay afloat and no one knows
i'm drowning

Life Number Five

Funny what silence can do. Keeps me from having to admit failure or shame or that I thought I loved you. If you knew, I'd be impossible to live with. I'd be impossible to live with myself knowing that not only did you know now... but that you rejected me. All this time, I thought you would wait for me. So Silence is my friend--obviously more than you are.

Perspective

Frank somebody, a guy I knew said, "Hard earned grace creates it's own perspective."
He was right.

Life Number Four

Happiness vs. Obedience

I've TRIED to be obedient. To nature, spiritual things, man's law. I get tickets, I sleep around, I tithe, I've even littered. Can't believe I've done any of that, but I'll own it. I've done it. It's my shame, my guilt. None of it made me happy. Obedience didn't make me happy.

While attempting to put a hold on comparisons, I don't see happiness in my faith. I see people ACTING that way, usually in a worship service and in front of others... But not in their homes--I get to visit a lot of homes.

I see people ACTING like Peta-People... when it's convenient.

The whole other partner thing brings a few moments of the old butterflies I had in high school, but it's quickly swallowed by other concern.

Crapping out the environment clean and disobeying traffic/laws, only nets me guilty feelings. Like the time I stiffed a guy 20$ for delivering a file cabinet. I had the cash in my pocket, so why did I withhold it? Because I wanted to see what other people felt like when they did stupid stuff like that. Maybe they aren't bothered, I was.

Obedience needs to happen, I know this. I may never BE happy. I know this, too. So my real question is: Is it okay to be happy (if I can be) and disobedient?